Be a Spouse God’s Way • 08.20.23
Jordan Bray   -   August 22, 2023

Be a Spouse God’s Way

1 Peter 3:1–7

  1. Be a wife God’s way
  2. Be a husband God’s way

 

Good morning church family! Thank you to my wife and the rest of the team for leading us so well in worship.

 

I love the truth in the words we just sang and how they challenge us to follow the humble example of Jesus Christ. I believe this will tie in well with what we talk about this morning.

 

If you’re joining us for the first time, I want to welcome you! My name is Jordan and I have the privilege of serving as one of the pastors here at Harvest. This morning, we are going to be continuing our series through the book of 1 Peter, which is a letter from the apostle Peter to Christians who were facing hardships and trials for choosing to follow Christ. This letter is one of encouragement, meant to provide instruction and hope to Christians who are bewildered by their family, friends, and even authorities treating them poorly now that they follow Jesus. Naturally, we’ve covered some heavy material as we’ve learned about how to lead holy lives, even as we endure through trials and hardships.

 

Most recently, the letter has been addressing the topic of submission. What it looks like for a follower of Christ to submit to governing authorities, for (in Peter’s time) Christian slaves to submit to their masters, and along with that, last week, Pastor Nick taught from chapter 2 on “Submitting while Suffering Unjustly.” If you have not heard that message yet, I would encourage you to go back and listen through it because it is so important and leads well into what we will talk about this morning. In fact, our passage today begins with the word, “Likewise”… As in, “With respect to everything I just said, pay attention to what I will say now.” And the topic Peter now turns to is how Christian wives and husbands can function in their marriage relationship in a way that is honoring to God, yet completely, counter cultural.

 

That is why our title for this message is “Be a Spouse God’s Way.” And our subtitle is “A call for counter cultural, gospel-shaped relationships within the home.”

 

Dismiss 4th + 5th graders (9a only)

 

Ushers + Bibles (1 Peter 3; page 1205)

 

Let’s read the text now.

 

1 Peter 3:1–7 (ESV)

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

 

As Pastor Nick mentioned last week, Peter is addressing the different positions within a typical household in those days to disciple them in following Christ, but also to show the Romans that Christianity was not a threat to the household structure. Peter is progressing from those within the household with the lowest position (slaves) up to those with the highest authority (husbands).

 

And so, we begin this section, with Peter addressing the wives.

 

Which is why I want to first address the wives, and then move on to the husbands when we arrive at that part of the passage.

 

The same subject of submission that Peter has been referring to since 2:13 is what he begins this section with. “Wives, be subject to your own husbands.” And immediately our culture’s influence begins to sound the alarms! The concept of biblical submission is so foreign to our individualistic society, that when a church preaches these words from the Bible, we are met with all kinds of accusations. “The Bible is outdated” or “The Bible is oppressive to women.” How should we respond to such things?

 

Friends, my hope this morning is to provide truth from God’s Word that gives clarity about submission and how much better and beautiful God’s design truly is for us. So, with that in mind, our first takeaway is…

 

  1. Be a wife God’s way

 

The first manner Peter mentions for how a woman can be a wife God’s way, is to be subject to her husband.

 

  1. Submit to your husband

 

Now, before we do a deep dive on biblical submission, because we will definitely cover that in-depth… I want you to first consider the flow of the text here. Peter has just addressed Christian slaves who are to submit to their masters even while suffering unjustly. He reminds them of Jesus as the perfect example who, even while enduring unjust suffering, committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth.

 

And it is from this flow of thought that Peter now addresses wives who may be in a similar position for their faith. It is clear from the language in verse 1 in chapter 3, Peter is addressing Christian wives who may be married to unbelieving and/or ungodly husbands. This idea presented a concern to the Romans because it was expected that the wife would worship whatever gods the husband did. So, for a wife to worship the Christian God while her husband did not, this could be a threat to the household structure. From the outside, it was viewed as if the man did not have a grip on leading his household. Peter, aware of this, encourages the Christian wives in their faith, while at the same time calling them to submit to their husbands, letting the Romans know that this presents no danger to society. Instead, husbands and wives should work together to flesh out what it will look like for her to be a submissive wife, while also worshipping a God that her husband has not claimed.

 

In short, Peter is addressing wives who are in a very vulnerable position because they are susceptible to both mistreatment from their unbelieving/ungodly husbands, and a loss in social status for going against the cultural norms.

 

Peter’s call for wives to be subject to their husbands does not in any way sanction the abuse of wives or suggest that women should not seek help in response to that kind of treatment. As Pastor Nick mentioned last week, the Bible does not condone abuse, and if you are in a situation like that, please seek help. Your pastors are here for you, we love you, and we will strive to protect this flock. God has appointed our governmental authorities to protect against such evils. It is wise and good to invite godly authorities into your life to help you navigate such difficult circumstances.

 

When faced with an unbelieving husband who may or may not be hostile to their faith, Peter encourages these Christian wives to submit to their husbands in order to be a wife God’s way.

 

The subject of submission in marriage has been so misconstrued and misapplied that it is necessary to spend a great deal of time explaining what it doesn’t mean, as well as what it does mean.

 

Christian author, Wayne Mack, wrote a very helpful book called Strengthening Your Marriage and included in it a rich explanation of what submission is and isn’t. So, I would like to borrow from his list for our purposes this morning. Feel free to write these down as I share. We also have this resource available in our church library in the foyer.

 

Submission is not merely a concept for women. It is a concept for all believers. This is precisely why Peter has been addressing both men and women thus far (honor the emperor, slaves submit to masters…) AND as mentioned already, Christ himself submitted to earthly authority. No one is exempt from the biblical call to be submissive to God-given authority.

 

Submission does not mean that the wife becomes a slave. It does not mean that you are required to do whatever your husband asks of you without question. For instance, if your husband asks you to do something that is sinful, breaking a direct command from God, you absolutely do not (and must not) need to obey him.

 

This also clarifies that it is not your husband’s, or anyone else’s responsibility to make you submit. Peter is not addressing the husbands yet. This is not a command for them to impose on their wives. This is a command for the wives to willingly subject themselves to the authority of their husbands.

 

Submission does not mean that the wife never opens her mouth, never has an opinion, never gives advice. Boy, am I glad for that. My wife is one of the wisest people I know. She is the first person I turn to for advice. When it comes to making decisions and leading our family, I will give an account for that, but that does not mean that my wife does not play a viable role in the process. As husbands, we should show great honor to our wives by making sure they know that their opinion is valued.

 

Submission does not mean that the wife becomes a wallflower who folds up and allows her abilities to lie dormant. In fact, men, I hope you realize that you have a responsibility to steward your wife’s gifts and abilities just as your own. You have a duty to help her flourish in her gifts and abilities. Each person in the church is given unique manifestations of the Holy Spirit for the common good. I am so thankful to be at a church where women are able to flourish in exercising their gifts and talents. I think about people like Emily Flaherty who excels at leading our children’s ministry. Or Laura Travnicek and Katie Pearce who use their unique artistic abilities to paint and create amazing graphics. Or my wife who exercised her musical abilities to lead us in worship this morning! Submission does not mean that the wife must allow her abilities to lie dormant.

 

Lastly, submission does not mean that the wife is inferior to the husband. In fact, in God’s kingdom and his design, men and women are equal in very significant ways:

 

  • Equally image-bearers of God and thus carry inherent worth and dignity
  • Equally sinful and co-receivers of grace (as we are reminded in verse 7)
  • Equally dependent on each other

 

1 Corinthians 11:11 (ESV)

11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman;

 

  • Equal in identity with Jesus Christ

 

Galatians 3:28 (ESV)

28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

 

Paul is not tearing down the biblical roles of husbands and wives but instead reminding everyone that while different in function we are equally new beings through life in Jesus Christ.

 

I’ll say it again, submission does not mean that the wife is inferior to husband.

 

So, in what way do men and women differ in that God calls the men to lead and the women to submit? It is a difference in function! God has given men and women distinct roles and functions in his created order.

 

And we look to Christ for the perfect example! Jesus was in no way inferior to God the Father. He was and is fully and completely God, in every sense. Yet, in regard to function, Christ humbly submitted to the will of the Father as we just sang earlier. There is order and structure in the Trinity. Jesus explains this in John 5:30:

 

John 5:30 (ESV)

30 “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.

 

There is a division of labor and responsibility in the Trinity. In like fashion, the submission of the wife in no way implies inferiority. It simply teaches the necessity for order and structure, for a division of responsibility within the home.

 

With that in mind, we’ve sufficiently addressed what submission isn’t, now let’s talk about what it is.

 

Firstly, Submission is a positive, not a negative concept. It emphasizes here what a wife should do rather than shouldn’t do. Wayne Mack shares a definition of submission as “the freedom to be creative under divinely appointed authority.”

 

He expounds, “Submission means that the wife yields and uses all of her abilities under the management of her husband for the good of her husband and family. Submission means that she sees herself as a part of her husband’s team. She is not her husband’s opponent fighting at cross purposes or trying to outdo him. She is not merely an individual going her separate way. She is her husband’s teammate striving for the same goal. She has ideas, opinions, desires, requests, and insights, and she lovingly makes them known. But she knows that on any good team someone has to make the final decisions and plans. She knows that the team members must support the team leader, his plans and decisions, or no progress will be made, and confusion and frustration will result.”

 

Imagine a marriage defined by unity and mutual respect for one another. Imagine a marriage where conflict was handled quickly and biblically. Imagine a marriage where the husband sought to sacrificially love and lead his wife and she sought to joyfully follow his leadership. What kind of testimony would that be to the watching world?

 

I am so thankful for my wife and the ways she humbly demonstrates this kind of submission in our marriage. Shortly after we got married, she made us t-shirts that look like baseball jerseys. And on the back they say “BRAY.” Unfortunately, that was a few years ago and my shirt doesn’t fit anymore (LOL), but the purpose for the shirts remains. She had these shirts made so that in times when we are particularly struggling with selfishness and wanting to win our way through an argument, we can put these on and remember we are on the same team. We are fighting for the same cause. It’s not “my way or the highway” as the husband. In a god-glorifying marriage, it is about God’s way. I will give an account for how I lead my family, and Em will give an account for how she helped me. It is a difference in function.

 

Scripture indicates that it is the wife’s responsibility to make herself submissive. We touched on this earlier, but you do not find in this passage, nor anywhere else in Scripture, a command for the husband to force his wife into submission. This is a command to the wives to make herself submissive. Ladies, if this is a new concept or struggle for you, I would encourage you to reach out to the women’s ministry leaders or your SG leaders for help.

 

Scripture indicates that the wife’s submission is to be continuous. I believe this is in part why Peter is stressing it here. He is addressing wives who have converted to Christianity and may be confused about what that means for her role in her marriage. Christ is her Lord and Master, yet she still has a husband, so what should she do? As Peter explains, she is still to submit to her husband as her divinely appointed authority.

 

Wifely submission is a spiritual matter. It is to be done “as to the Lord.” The wife must see her submission to her husband as an act of obedience to Christ and not merely to her husband.

 

Submission involves the wife’s attitudes as well as her actions. Not reluctantly or begrudgingly, but joyfully just as Jesus delighted to do the will of the Father, even when it was hard.

 

Wives are in a particularly vulnerable position in terms of God’s command for them to submit to their husbands. For wives of unbelievers, or whose husbands are not behaving like believers, this can be especially difficult. They may face harsh treatment or be looked down on. For any wives here today who are in such a situation, let Peter’s words encourage you. Through your Christlike obedience to God’s word, you can be a powerful witness to your husband. “They may be won without a word.” Your character will shout louder than your words.

 

If your husband mocks you for taking God’s word seriously, for attending church gatherings, for praying, or even for encouraging him to get connected, do not retaliate.

 

As Peter mentions, your respectful and pure conduct are a testimony to the greatness of God’s ways. And here is a very important distinction: Your responsibility to submit to your husband is not dependent upon your respect for him, but your respect for God. It is out of your reverence for your Savior that you can joyfully submit to your husband.

 

Being a wife God’s way not only involves a biblical submission to your husband, but also an adorning of oneself with inner beauty, which is precious in God’s sight.

 

  1. Adorn yourself with inner beauty

 

It’s important to understand what Peter is saying here. Because he is not saying that women should never wear jewelry, or choose outfits that they like, or to not braid their hair. He is not saying that there is no place for outward beauty. He is saying that outward beauty and such adornment must always and finally be subservient to the focus of internal beauty.

 

Instead of being so concerned with what you look like on the outside, concern yourself with the beauty of your character! “Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.”

It can be challenging to prioritize inner beauty over outer largely because our culture has been preaching a different message. Thankfully, Peter points to a role model who adorned herself with the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, Sarah! Abraham’s wife, who called him, “Lord.” This is a reference to Genesis 18:12 and what’s interesting about this is that she muttered it under her breath to herself! It’s not like she walked in and said, “Oh Lord master, what kind of pop can I grab you from the fridge as you watch the game??” No, she muttered under her breath, using this as a title of respect and submission. She knew he was her man. He was her God-given leader, provider, protector, and she submitted to his leadership as a godly woman.

 

And while commentators speculate various reasons why Peter chose to mention Sarah here, the point is that in the Jewish tradition, she was known as a virtuous woman and by following in her example, she is a sort of spiritual ancestor and example to Christian wives.

 

Wives, as you endure hostility from your unbelieving or ungodly husbands, let your reverence for God guide your thoughts, words, and actions. Being a wife God’s way also means…

 

  1. Do not fear

 

By seeking to do what is right, you may face hostility from either your husband or society. I think about my wife who is attending a secular school. If she were to bring up in conversation her duty to submit to me as her husband, we can only imagine the eruption that would take place. Or for those who live with unbelieving or ungodly husbands, your genuine acts of kindness or refusal to engage in an antagonistic argument may actually fire them up more.

Listen to these wise words from Proverbs 25:21–22.

 

Proverbs 25:21–22 (ESV)

21  If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,

and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,

22    for you will heap burning coals on his head,

and the Lord will reward you.

 

When someone is out to get you – antagonizing you, seeking to provoke you- and you choose to trust in the Lord and respond in kindness, or patience, or grace, they may react even more emotionally. But perhaps that emotion is a burning shame for how they are mistreating you. Whatever the case, do not fear in these moments. The Lord sees, knows, and will give you the strength to endure. Let your reverence for HIM guard you from becoming bitter or resentful towards your husbands.

 

The timing of this passage couldn’t be more perfect, because you may have noticed it in the announcement video earlier, but next month we are hosting a workshop for the women in our church and the topic is bitterness! We invite you to come and learn from God’s word about how to overcome bitterness in your relationships.

 

That was quite a bit addressed to the ladies in the room. Let’s follow the argument of the text where it leads next…

 

Likewise, husbands! Peter now turns and addresses you!

 

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

 

Again, that word, “likewise” means we should pay very close attention to what has preceded it. Peter is instructing you, just as he did the wives, just as he did the slaves, to fulfill your particular role in the household, just as the others.

 

  1. Be a husband God’s way

 

And the first way that Peter instructs the husbands to be a husband God’s way is to live with their wives in an understanding way… Now, our English Standard Version may not have the best interpretation of what Peter is trying to say here. Because he is not just saying that, as husbands, we should be considerate of our wives. What he means is so much more important. The King James Version appears to have the closest literal translation which renders, “dwell with them according to knowledge.”

 

  1. Live with your wives according to knowledge

 

“According to what knowledge?” you say. Well, it’s two-fold. Firstly, you are to live with your wives according to knowledge of the faith. What God’s word says. What he commands of us. It also means to live with them according to the knowledge of their more vulnerable position. Let’s talk first about the knowledge of the faith.

 

Live with your wives according to knowledge of the Word, the Word that says to:

 

  • Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves… (Phil 2:3)
  • Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them… (Col 3:19)
  • Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger… (James 1:19)
  • Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph 5:25)

 

These are just a few examples of Scriptures that inform us how we can be godly husbands. And just as the wives are called to fulfill their role in the household out of a reverence for God, so husbands should fulfill their role out of a reverence for God. This reverence is how we actually grow in knowledge.

 

Proverbs explains…

 

Proverbs 1:7 (ESV)

7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.

 

If husbands are to live with their wives according to knowledge, they are first to fear the Lord! Their reverence for God must guide their desire to grow and discern God’s word so that they can be a godly husband.

 

Unfortunately, it is too common to find in Christian marriages wives who are eager and hungry for the word, desiring to flourish in their faith, while the men remain stagnant with no desire to grow and change, let alone be a godly leader. This makes it harder for their wives to submit.

 

Husbands, are we growing in the knowledge of the Lord and his word? If not, it is foolishness. We want to help you! I mentioned earlier to the ladies that we have a workshop coming up where they can be poured into and taught from God’s word, but we also have men’s breakfasts every month with teaching where we seek to pour into YOU! To teach and disciple you! Not to mention small groups and other Bible studies that the church offers each week!

 

A second application of being a husband God’s way is…

 

  1. Show to your wife as the weaker vessel

 

What does it mean to show honor to your wife? It means to prize them! To treasure them and value them. To treat them as precious to you.

 

Husbands are to show honor to the woman as the weaker vessel… Now pay close attention, because, as Allistair Begg points out, the most important two letters in that sentence that you should draw a big circle around are the E-R at the end of the word “weaker”! So often we read through this and take away that the woman is the weak vessel, whereas Peter says she is the weaker meaning we are all weak!

 

We all have weaknesses, and the more time we spend with each other, the more aware we become of each other’s weaknesses. And as the husband, the leader of your home, you are not to use this knowledge against her, but for her. To help her! To seek to make her duty easier. As to the type of weakness that Peter is referring to, it could simply be the biological differences between male and female that characteristically reveal men to be the stronger sex. However, consider that Peter may also be referring to the weaker position, in that she has willingly chosen to submit to your leadership. That is a vulnerable place to be, and you should not take that lightly.

 

How do we show honor to our wives as the weaker vessel? One of the ways we can do this is by using our authority to serve them, not to be served. This is modeled by our Savior, right?

 

Mark 10:45 (ESV)

45 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

 

Being the head of your household does not mean that everyone under your roof is there at your disposal to do whatever you want them to do. It means that whoever is under your roof, you have a biblical duty to love and serve them in the same way that Christ loves and serves you.

 

We can also show honor to them by expressing it with our words. Do you tell your wife often that you love her? Do you express to her an earnest desire to be more and more aware and considerate of her thoughts, ideas, gifts, desires, needs?

 

What about the way we speak about them in public? When your coworkers start slandering their wives? What do you do? Do you chime in and start slandering your own? Speak about your wife in a way that honors her! That shows people that next to Christ, this is the most previous relationship in your life! Be a husband God’s way. One who prizes, treasures, and values his bride.

 

1 Peter Slide

 

Christian husbands and wives are co-heirs of the grace of life, as Peter says. Do not take your authority to mean that you are more important. Do not use your authority to be domineering, aggressive, or selfish. Use your authority to serve.

 

And to really drive home just how serious it is for husbands to fulfill their roles in a godly way, Peter explains that by not following this command, your prayers will be hindered. Let that really sink in… God is not in the business of listening to those who are in a position of authority and mistreat those who are under their care. You may have noticed, Peter uses few words to address the husbands in this passage, so we ought to take each word quite seriously. What is the implication of God ignoring our prayers? It certainly says something quite powerful about how much God cares about his daughters! He won’t give ear to a spiritual bully! He doesn’t want to hear what you have to say if your treat your wife poorly. Friends, I plead with you to heed Peter’s words. Show honor to your wives for the sake of them, yourself, and for God’s glory.

 

A quick word to our single friends who desire marriage, and then we’ll land this plane. This passage can serve as a guide for what to look for in a spouse. If you are a godly man seeking to pursue a godly woman, then pay close attention.

 

How does your prospective wife respond to authority? Is she respectful and submissive? Because however she responds to authority right now is how she will respond to you. One of the things about my wife that made me grow in respect for her was the way she honored her parents. When we first met, she was living under their roof, and so even when they asked us not to date right away and almost everyone else seemed to encourage us to rebel, she never questioned that what would please the Lord most in that situation was to submit to them and trust in the Lord.

 

Is the woman you are pursuing adorning herself with the inner beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit? If physical attraction is all you are looking for, you are missing out on far more significant qualities in a spouse.

 

Christian single women, if you desire a godly husband, first and foremost, what is his relationship with the Lord like? Not what he tells you, but what it actually is! Is he growing in the knowledge, understanding, and fear of the Lord so that he can live up to the role of a godly leader and husband? What about the way he shows honor to other women? Pay close attention. How does this man treat his mother? Or his sisters? Friends, women from church? Does he show them honor and respect, or does he characteristically use people for his own advantage and purposes? These are clues for you about his character and obedience to God’s Word.

 

I’ll end with this. God’s ways are so much better than anything this world has to offer. When a husband and wife function within their marriage in the way that God has designed, it is a powerful testimony to the blessedness of God’s design for marriage. When outsiders look in and see a husband using his authority to serve his wife and children, showing honor and valuing his wife’s input, leading her to flourish in her gifts and abilities, that is attractive! When outsiders look in and see a husband and wife functioning on the same team with the same goals, and see the wife willingly submitting to the husbands leadership, the order that provides is attractive! If these are things that you are struggling with in your marriage, I want to encourage you not to go at this alone. Let otherwise friends and mentors speak into your life to help you. Our church offers free, biblical counseling from God’s word which has so much more to say about this topic. Let us walk with you!

 

If you are struggling in these ways, you’re not too far gone. And if you have not placed your faith and trust in Christ, he is ready and waiting to help you, but you need to turn to him in repentance and faith. You can’t thrive in the way God wants you to in your marriage by your own strength. You need to believe that Christ’s life, death, and resurrection have made it possible for his power and grace to help you live the life he has called you to.

 

Christian friends, as we sojourn in this foreign land, let’s be representatives of a better way. Let’s strive to be a spouse God’s way, and in doing so, bring honor to him, and show others that his way truly is best.

 

Pray

 

Closing Song – I Will Follow

 

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Reminder: Men’s Breakfast next Saturday

You Are Loved

Not sure if I should keep this. Might be due to fear of man, or the fact that it’s just a stronger point in the list of other ways to live out this command.