Speech: Making or breaking Peace • 10.08.23
Nick Lees   -   October 11, 2023

Speech: Making or Breaking Peace
Ephesians 4:29-32; Proverbs 4:23-24; Luke 6:43-45

What does God say about my tongue/speech?

  1. My tongue has incredible power
  2. I say what I mean/believe
  3. I am called to please God and edify others in my speech
  4. I will give an account for my words

Good morning church family! (Introduce self; series) The format for this series is different than our usual preaching style. Rather than going verse-by-verse through a book of the Bible, we’re going to trace concepts throughout Scripture.

Dismiss 4th + 5th graders (both services)

Ushers + Bibles (Ephesians 4; page 1161)

Are you ready for what’s about to happen next? We are going to open up God’s Word and see what it has to say to us about our speech. I don’t know what you came in expecting to happen this morning, but I’m expecting God to do a work in each of us through his Word. This is a discussion that every single one of us will benefit from. After all, we all communicate and one of the primary ways we do so is through speaking.

I would argue that the primary way that we relate to one another is through our words. All of our relationships are built upon the content of our speech with one another. Which means the way we use our tongue is of the utmost importance in our relationships. As we’re about to hear, the tongue has the power to build up or tear down, to give life or bring death, to accomplish good or perpetuate evil. Our speech is the great revealer of our hearts – it shines a spotlight on what we really think and believe as we give voice to it.

No one escapes the topic at hand today. We all have room to grow. We all misuse our speech. Many of us will have plenty of reasons to confess and repent afterwards. May we not be comfortable remaining the same. I am excited to see the good fruit that God produces through this study. Are you?

“Unless you truly desire to honor God in this aspect of your marriage, the relationship will never be what it could be.” Stuart Scott, Communication & Conflict Resolution, pg 12  True of any relationship. Do you agree? Then let’s dig into God’s Word about our communication. The question we’re seeking to answer today is…

What does God say about my tongue/speech?

There are many, many places we can find an answer to this in Scripture. I was a bit overwhelmed with how many passages spoke to this issue. So, we are going to study a specific subset of passages, but please know this is only scratching the surface of what God has to say. As always, I encourage you to dig into the Word and unearth further riches from the Lord outside of Sunday morning. Let’s begin our study in one of my favorite passages on this topic:

Ephesians 4:29–32 (ESV)

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

We’re going to come back to this passage a couple of times today to look at it from different angles. But for our first look at it, I want you to observe the power of the tongue. What does this passage teach us about the power of the tongue?

  • It has the power to corrupt and tear others down… or to build them up and give grace
  • It has the power to grieve the Holy Spirit of God… or to please the Holy Spirit
  • It has the power to tear apart relationships… or to bring them together

These observations bring us to our first answer… What does God say about my tongue/speech?

  1. My tongue has incredible power

First, let’s focus on the incredible power of our tongue to do harm. In this passage, Paul speaks of corrupting talk, literally bad or unwholesome or evil talk. It is not hard to imagine what types of speech Paul has in mind. We all know from our own life experience what this kind of corrupting or unwholesome/evil talk is like.

From an early age, we learn to use our words in a way that hurts or wounds others. Being a parent of 7 kids, one of our most frequent areas of parenting is in communication! “Don’t use your words to tear your sister down!” “Was that kind? Would you like it if someone spoke to you that way?” Of course, not! We know the kind of speech that blesses us and the kind that tears us down.

As we progress through life, the content of the corrupting talk may change, but the intent and outcome is the same –tearing someone down. Whether it comes from your 6th grade arch-nemesis, a hostile co-worker, or your spouse, these corrupting words have a powerful effect, and they leave their mark. The old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is absolutely untrue. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of corrupting speech knows that words tear down and hurt at a much deeper level than physical pain ever could. We must not buy into this lie and excuse our hurtful, sinful speech!

Paul does not leave us to wonder what types of corrupting talk he is speaking about; he calls the Ephesians to put off specific things in verse 31. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” These are different qualities that corrupt our speech.

  • Bitterness – harboring animosity that leads to harshness

When you nurse your wounds – “I can’t believe he/she said that/did that…” – you are reliving a perceived offense over and over again. This often includes rehearsing your version of the events, regardless of whether they are factual or not. This practice only serves to cultivate bitterness – a seething loathing or hatred of another that leads to harshness. Suddenly your thoughts and words towards that person are entirely negative. Everything they do is colored through the lens of your bitterness and it seems they can do no right. Communication is short and terse. Likely, you’re only interested in getting what you want from them before you move on. Bitterness chokes out love for the Lord and that fellow image-bearer of God.

This often looks like giving the cold shoulder. It sounds like barking at the other person for seemingly innocent interactions. Bitterness corrupts speech by bringing in old hurts and misconceptions to present communications. It breaks peace and allows division to continue in the relationship.

  • Wrath – intense displeasure, outburst of anger

Whereas bitterness might be a slow burn, wrath is the white-hot explosion of the volcano of emotion. This is the nuclear bomb of the power of the tongue. All the energy of anger is coming out fast and, usually, loud. Wrath seeks to wipe out all that stands in its way, leaving only self remaining… alone in self-righteousness.

  • Anger – the burning of indignation

Anger is probably the most common expression of corrupting talk. I am upset about something and I’m going to let you know it. It may not be as loud as wrath or as rehearsed as bitterness, but it is focused on self and determined to get what I want. It gives voice to resentment. “Why is the house such a mess? What have you been doing all day?” “What a dumb idea, I can’t believe you suggested it.” “I can’t believe my co-worker is so incompetent.” It is unloving and hurtful.

  • Clamor – shouting or yelling

Pretty straight-forward. I’ll get my way by raising my voice. If I can just be the loudest, then I will have won the battle. I will use the power of my tongue through volume to defeat any who would stand in my way. This is usually reserved for those closest to us such as family or friends. Most have the common sense not to shout/yell at work because it leads to being fired. Isn’t it a sad irony that what we won’t do in public, we’ll easily do in private with our spouse/kids?

  • Slander – speech that denigrates or defames, reviles (speaking poorly about another)

I don’t have to raise my voice or emotions to corrupt… I can simply use my words in a way that influences others to think poorly of you. “Did you hear what __________ did?” “He’s not a good husband. She’s not a good wife.” “You’re a bad parent!” “They are a lazy employee.” “I wish I had never married you.” These are slanderous statements that revile or defame another. It is far too easy to whip these types of comments out in the heat of conflict. These tear down relationships. They break peace.

Even though it isn’t in this list, I believe gossip also deserves mention here as it is a close cousin to slander. Gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart. (Pastor Matt Mitchell’s definition from Resisting Gossip) Rather than saying it to their face, you’re talking behind their back, and your intent is to hurt them. Gossip often occurs when you have unsolved problems with others. It is sinful because you are not solving problems God’s way by going to the person and working it out, instead you’re talking about it with those who are not a part of the problem or the solution.

  • Malice – a mean-spirited or vicious attitude

Malice implies a level of consistency in your demeanor. Rather than occasionally struggling with anger or corrupting talk, this is more of your regular attitude. I have not met many people who are living in the sin of malice in my life, but the ones I have are quite mean. They have little good to say about anyone or anything. They are not afraid to let others know what they think about them, and their words are like acid, corroding and eating away at everyone and everything they touch.

If you step back and survey these descriptors of our attitudes and actions, then it is easy to see the destructive power of our speech. And this isn’t even an exhaustive list! *pause* Paul tells the Ephesians in verse 30 that this is the type of speech and heart attitude that grieves the Holy Spirit of God. That is a powerful and fascinating observation. We know he is speaking to Christians because he says they’ve been sealed for the day of redemption.

Paul is saying that Christians are capable of this kind of corrupt speech and behavior! And when we live this way, we are causing severe distress to God the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. What a statement! In your anger, you may not care that you are hurting your loved one with your words and actions, but did you realize you are also grieving God? I hope this realization will cause all of us to stop in our tracks and re-evaluate the seriousness of our sin and the power of our tongue.

Who knows what this is? (Ship rudder) James, the Lord’s brother, writes in James 3 that the tongue is small but mighty. Like a small rudder that steers a massive ship, my tongue directs the rest of my life. What is this? (Forest fire) James also says that like a small flame that destroys a great forest, my tongue can cause untold destruction in my life. Do you view your speech/tongue in this way? Are you treating your tongue with the utmost caution? There is great power in the tongue, and you had better learn to use that power to edify and build up rather than tear down and destroy! Unless you want to end your life with a trail of broken relationships behind you and your own life a shipwreck.

We’ll come back to the power of the tongue to edify and build up in a bit, but first we need to understand where our speech comes from. God has given us a very important revelation that is essential to understand if you’re going to use your speech to make peace rather than break peace. Here it is:

  1. I say what I mean/believe

Have you ever heard someone say or do something corrupting and then follow it up with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” We all have. We have all likely said it ourselves. And you need to know that it is a lie. You did mean it, that is why you said or did it. Let me show you from Scripture:

Luke 6:43–45 (ESV)

43 “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, 44 for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. 45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Out of the abundance of the heart my mouth speaks… I said what I said or did what I did because it was already in my heart. By heart, the Scripture means our inner-man/woman. What makes you…you. When you say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said!” What would be more biblical is to say, “Please forgive me for saying what I meant!”

This lesson was driven home to me through Pastor Paul Tripp in his marriage series What Did You Expect? In that series, he recounts learning this lesson at a young age while at a wedding with his family. One of his uncles became drunk and began saying all kinds of perverse things out loud. Paul’s mother took him aside and told him this truth from Luke 6:45, that nothing comes out of the mouth of a drunk that wasn’t already in his heart. That story stuck with Paul, and it has stuck with me too.

Whatever it is that loosens our lips, whether alcohol, anger, or something else, it did not create something new, it simply revealed what was already in our hearts. This is a sobering reality. It forces us to come to grips with ourselves. It means we are all much uglier in our hearts than we realize.

When I yell at my kids, that was already in my heart. When you verbally lay into at your spouse, that was already in your heart. When you give the driver who just cut you off an extended blast of your horn followed by some choice words, that was already in your heart. These were simply the circumstances that revealed what was already there.

Right about now your inner lawyer is starting to say, “That’s not true for you! You were justified in your angry response! This is for someone else today.” If that is you, please do not listen to it. Do not harden your heart to this teaching. Do not minimize your sin. This is pointing us to our need for a Savior! And we have One in Jesus Christ! As we heard last week, Jesus is our peacemaker. He shed his blood for the forgiveness of our sins so that we could be reconciled to God.

We need to see our sin for what it is. It is disgusting. It is corrupting. It is deeply hidden inside each one of us. And we need Jesus to cleanse us from our sin and empower us to daily choose to live for him. Change is possible in Christ! The promise of Scripture is that if you confess your sin, he is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you from it!

Some of you are familiar with this next diagram: Root to Fruit Tree

This is a common diagram that is used in counseling that helps illustrate Luke 6 and other passages. It reminds us that our fruit (outward behaviors/speech/etc.,) are symptoms of a deeper root problem (inward heart struggles/desires). If we want to experience real and lasting change, then we must address the root problem(s). And thankfully, that is what God has done through His Son and His Word.

It would be a shame if you came to each week of this sermon series and left with the impression that you simply need to do better. That you need to work harder at controlling your speech. While that is true, to a degree, what you fundamentally need is a change of heart. There is something you are worshiping or desiring above pleasing Jesus. This is the source of your struggles, not merely poor communication. You/I have a worship problem. We love self too much. We love the pleasures of this world too much. We are living for something or someone other than the Lord.

We’ll dig into this particular topic more next week, but I want to at least share one of my favorite passages with you. If you ever come and do biblical counseling with me, you will memorize this passage, it is that important to our life and godliness.

2 Corinthians 5:9–10 (ESV)

9 So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

The root desire of our heart/lives must be to please him. If that desire rules your heart, then guess what happens to your speech? You will speak out of a heart that wants to please Jesus. When I am focused on pleasing Jesus, I can simply speak out of what is filling my heart, and it will please God and edify others.

Which brings us to our third answer for what God teaches about my tongue/speech for today:

  1. I am called to please God and edify others in my speech

This is probably one of those “no duh” moments for you. That’s ok, because even though we know this to be true, we still struggle in the implementation and obedience of it, don’t we? 😊 Let’s go back to what we heard earlier in Ephesians 4 and look at it from another angle.

Ephesians 4:29–32 (ESV)

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

This passage is straightforward. God wants your words to edify others and he is giving you clear instructions for how to do so. Maybe it’s the former IT guy in me, but I like to look at verse 29 as a four-fold filter for my speech. If my words can’t pass through all four filters, then they need to be discarded.

  • Filter #1 – No corrupting talk
    • Is what I want to say going to tear them down? If so, then don’t say it!
  • Filter #2 – Only such as is good for building up
    • Will this build the other person up? Then proceed!
  • Filter #3 – As fits the occasion
    • Is this the right time? The right place? Are they in a position to hear it?
      • “Hey, I’ve been thinking…” is not what you want to hear as you lay your head down on the pillow at night. Wrong timing!
      • If you’re going to fit the occasion, it requires you to be aware to what is going on around you and where the other person is at emotionally/spiritually/mentally…
    • Filter #4 – that it may give grace to those who hear
      • How will others who hear this receive it? Will it bless them?

If your speech can pass all four of these filters, then it is edifying, God-pleasing communication. If it cannot pass the filters, then zip your lips and evaluate why you’re desiring to communicate in that way.

Now, verse 32 reminds us of the foundation for going through this refining process – because we’ve been forgiven in Christ! Remembering how much I’ve been forgiven sets me up to be kind, tenderhearted (compassionate), and forgiving in my own interactions with others. Like I said last week…

How could I not forgive you when God has forgiven me for so much!? How could I not go to great lengths to be at peace with you when God went to such great lengths to be at peace with me?

Vertical peace informs horizontal peace. Each one of us desires God to be kind and compassionate and forgiving towards us. Why would we not be willing to extend that same kind of love towards others?

I know that what I just described to you in these four filters sounds a lot like managing fruit rather than dealing with the root issue. If you were thinking that, then congratulations, you’re right and you’re listening! We are going to be doing both in our lives. Dealing with root issues of the heart while also tending to the fruit issues as well. Let me show you a passage that shows both.

Proverbs 4:23–24 (ESV)

23    Keep your heart with all vigilance,

for from it flow the springs of life.

24    Put away from you crooked speech,

and put devious talk far from you.

This proverb first tells us to keep our heart with all vigilance. It is POSSIBLE and NECESSARY to guard your heart! Beware what you are letting in. Are you doing this? Are you watching what you worship? Do you ever stop to evaluate – “what desire is ruling me right now? And is it based on the truth or a lie?”

If you do not guard your heart, then you will be ruled by all kinds of ungodly desires. And from your heart flow the springs of life! Meaning the heart governs all that you do in life. So, if you fail to keep watch over your heart, you will inevitably be ruled by ungodly desires that bear all kinds of bad fruit in your life. This is the human struggle! The prophet Jeremiah put words to this when he said:

Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)

  9    The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick;

who can understand it?

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to be aware of what makes you do what you do. “Why do I do what I do? Or say what I say?” Because I want what I want! Whatever rules your heart rules you. It exercises inescapable influence over your life. So, guard your heart. How? By saturating your life with the Word. Let me show you Psalm 119. Listen for the twin themes of heart and the word.

Psalm 119:1–11 (ESV)

Blessed are those whose way is blameless,

who walk in the law of the Lord!

  2    Blessed are those who keep his testimonies,

who seek him with their whole heart,

  3    who also do no wrong,

but walk in his ways!

  4    You have commanded your precepts

to be kept diligently.

  5    Oh that my ways may be steadfast

in keeping your statutes!

  6    Then I shall not be put to shame,

having my eyes fixed on all your commandments.

  7    I will praise you with an upright heart,

when I learn your righteous rules.

  8    I will keep your statutes;

do not utterly forsake me!

  9    How can a young man keep his way pure?

By guarding it according to your word.

10    With my whole heart I seek you;

let me not wander from your commandments!

11    I have stored up your word in my heart,

that I might not sin against you.

It may seem laughingly simple, yet it is the drum we beat every week. Know your Bibles, not just head knowledge, but at the level of your heart – obeying God’s Word. Treasure it. Store it up via memorization. Bring it to bear in the moments of temptation. Put out the fires of conflict at their source with the water of the Word.

Then, as the second half of the proverb stated:

Proverbs 4:24 (ESV)

24    Put away from you crooked speech,

and put devious talk far from you.

Address the fruit too. Filter/put off sinful speech. Not only do you guard your heart, but you also guard your lips.

David prayed about this in Psalm 141. This time, listen for the connection between heart and lips.

Psalm 141:1–4 (ESV)

  1    O Lord, I call upon you; hasten to me!

Give ear to my voice when I call to you!

  2    Let my prayer be counted as incense before you,

and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice!

  3    Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth;

keep watch over the door of my lips!

  4    Do not let my heart incline to any evil,

to busy myself with wicked deeds

       in company with men who work iniquity,

and let me not eat of their delicacies!

You can guard your lips too, and it starts with guarding your heart. From the heart the mouth speaks. If your heart is in the right place, then your mouth will follow.

As you’re growing in this, there are still immediate things you can do to guard your lips. Practicing restraint – not being quick to speak – is a great way to guard your lips. Hasty speech is the behavior of a fool.

Proverbs 10:19 (ESV)

19    When words are many, transgression is not lacking,

but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Proverbs 29:20 (ESV)

20    Do you see a man who is hasty in his words?

There is more hope for a fool than for him.

To be frank, there are many other things said about our speech and guarding our lips in the book of Proverbs. If you want to do a productive study, search and write down every Proverb that deals with speech and see what you can learn from it!

The overall point is that God teaches that I am to please Him and edify others with my speech. Those are two great reasons why we have been given the wonderful gift of verbal communication. And when used God’s way much good and building up will occur and God will be pleased! What a delight it is to be in relationships where this is the kind of speech that is going forth.

Let’s end with a final observation about what God says about my tongue/speech. It’s a sobering one…

  1. I will give an account for my words

This comes from Jesus’ teaching in the Gospel of Matthew.

Matthew 12:36–37 (ESV)

36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Just like we heard earlier in Luke 6, Jesus links our speech with our heart. Our outer man reveals the true nature of our inner man. Put another way… fruit reveals root. If my speech is constantly sinful, then it reveals that I am not made new in Christ and God will judge me by my own words. This ties so well into the warnings of 1 John:

1 John 1:5–6 (ESV)

5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.

1 John 2:9 (ESV)

9 Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.

We must heed the warning passages of Scripture. They are for our benefit that we might know God and have eternal life! Do not be deceived into thinking that you can claim Christ and continue to live in unrepentant, sinful communication. Failing to turn from harsh, angry words reveals a heart that hates and is still in darkness. Light and darkness do not go together.

Christ is the light. Believe in him. Allow him to renew your heart and transform your life. Walk in him. Allow that new heart to produce a harvest of godly speech in you. The kind of speech that God blesses on Judgment Day. This is no small issue. We are dealing with matters of eternal life and death in this series.

If you are here this morning and you are stuck in patterns of ungodly communication or you know that you are still walking in darkness, please do not leave without asking for help. For the sake of your soul, bring the resources of God’s church and Word to bear on your situation. Ask a brother or sister near you to pray for you. Ask a pastor to meet with you. Share with your small group for accountability this week. Let the extravagant grace of God be brought to bear in your life and experience the freedom from sin that he so graciously provides!

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