The Goodness of Biblical Sexuality • 08.07.22
Nick Lees   -   August 8, 2022

The Goodness of Biblical Sexuality
Song of Solomon 1-2

Learning to handle sexuality biblically

  1. It is good for spouses to express intense desire for one another
  2. Words ought to be used to bless one another
  3. Heed the warning about rightly aroused passions
  4. Beware the little foxes that will wreck your marriage

 

For those who are new, welcome! My name is Nick Lees and I have the privilege of continuing our study in the Song of Solomon with you today. We kicked off this series last week with an overview of the entire book. If you were not able to join us for that sermon, I would highly recommend going back to listen to it, as it will help you understand the rest of the series.

As we discussed last week, the Song of Solomon has a lot to say about biblical sexuality. Sexuality being – our capacity and design for sexual feelings. When it comes to sexuality, we heard that there are two options or ways to go on this issue. You can either live according to God’s ways or the world’s ways. God’s ways lead to life, but the world’s ways lead to death. Last week we took a brief survey of the wreckage that has occurred both inside and outside of the church due to pursuing alternatives to God’s design for sexuality. We even heard of the eternal consequences of getting this area of our lives wrong too! These are serious matters, and much is at stake.

So, without shame, we are going to spend the next four weeks studying God’s design and ways for sexuality. We want life. Not death. We want healthy, enjoyable relationships, especially the marriage relationship! The Song of Solomon is going to show us an ideal of marriage that is beautiful and attainable, even in our broken, sin-cursed reality.

Now as we dig back into this book, please remember that it is poetry. That means it is full of evocative imagery and not always to be taken literally. Wisdom is needed in correct interpretation, so let’s pray briefly for wisdom right now.

Prayer for wisdom

Ushers + Bibles (page 323)

Today we’re going to cover the first two chapters of the Song. And the way I thought we’d do this is by reading it together, with me pausing for some commentary on the text along the way. Then we’ll get into specific lessons that we can learn from the text. So, with that in mind, let’s read starting in 1:1.

Song of Solomon 1:1-2:17 (ESV)

Alright, that’s a lot of poetic imagery and back and forth between the lovers… What can we learn from this dialogue? What are the practical takeaways for us as a modern audience today? That’s what I want to spend the rest of our time discussing as we’re…

Learning to handle sexuality biblically

Here’s our first lesson…

  1. It is good for spouses to express intense desire for one another

That’s what we’ve witnessed already in the first two chapters of SoS. Mutual pursuit is biblical and good! It’s not solely the husband pursuing the wife or the wife pursuing the husband. It’s a mutual pursuit of one another! They are moving towards each other. It is good for sexual desire to be expressed by both.

As we heard last week, biblical love is powerful and intoxicating. It is a love that is both physical and relational. They kiss, they embrace, they speak words of life to one another, and they desire to spend time together. This love draws spouses together. It unites them.

Now, we know that this is far from the reality of many marriages in our sin-cursed world. Perhaps it is a far cry from your marriage reality. If that is the case, I am sad to hear that and I hope this series will help both you and your spouse take steps of growth and repentance, wherever needed.

In our reality, many have let their pursuit and desire for one another dwindle. The idea of expressing intense desire for your spouse may seem absurd to you. Perhaps those desires flamed out long ago. Perhaps your spouse fails to invite your pursuit. These are not reasons to give up. They are hurdles you will have to overcome in the race to please God in this area of your life and marriage.

We live in a day and age that promotes selfish sex. It’s all about ME! In this worldview, pursuit is dependent on MY desires. What I want, when I want it, how I want it. This is an anti-biblical approach to sexuality. It is the approach lauded by the pornography industry and our selfish hearts.

Both men and women must be aware of the danger of approaching intimacy in this way. Left to ourselves, we are prone to selfishness in this area, just like every other area of our lives. You must be on-guard against selfish aggressiveness or selfish passivity. Selfish aggressiveness looks like pursuit only when it suits you and in a way that seeks to satisfy your desires. Selfish passiveness looks like failing to pursue your spouse and only responding to pursuit when it suits you. Both approaches go against the ideal we see in Song of Solomon and in 1 Corinthians 7.

1 Corinthians 7:2–5 (ESV)

2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

God’s Word tells us that it is good for a husband and wife to pursue one another and to seek to serve one another in this area. “Do not deprive one another” is the language of 1 Corinthians. The time you abstain is by mutual agreement to pray but then you come back together again. Why would God put such a priority on the pursuit of regular, ongoing marital intimacy?! “So that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” This is a protection against the wiles of the enemy. Regular, selfless pursuit of your spouse protects them against temptations to sin.

Sexuality is part of our design, and it is powerful. Used appropriately, as God designed, it continually unites and protects a husband and wife for a lifetime. Handled poorly, its power can become misguided and misdirected and lead us into sin.

Notice how the couple in SoS express their intense desire for one another. You might be surprised to see the wife goes first!

Song of Solomon 1:1-4 (ESV)

In 1:1-4, the wife expresses her desire for her man to kiss her. She then expresses how desirable he is… and did you notice that she gives very specific reasons? She praises his love/love-making, his scent, his name (perhaps reputation) … These things make him desirable to many, but he has chosen her, and she delights in it! She invites him to bring her to him, into his chambers. “King” is here a metaphor for her lover, the bridegroom, who has in her eyes the significance, beauty, and charm worthy of a king.

Now what you may not realize yet, is the woman speaks quite a bit more than the man in this song. We observe a wife who isn’t afraid to verbally express how much she loves and desires her husband. Consider…

Song of Solomon 2:8-9, 16-17 (ESV)

  • In 2:8-9 she expresses her anticipation of his nearness and voice. It excites her!
  • In 2:16-17 she expresses their singleness of devotion to one another. They are for one another alone!

But she isn’t alone in her desires. He responds and invites her to find him.

Song of Solomon 1:8-10 (ESV)

He expresses specific ways she is desirable. She is so beautiful that she is like a mare placed among Pharoah’s chariots. If you know anything about horses, you know that if you put a mare (female) among the stallions that pulled the chariots, there’s going to be a lot of disruption! All attention is on the female.

The man is expressing that she has his attention, and likely, the attention of many due to her beauty. He appreciates specific things about her.

Notice their terms of endearment for one another.  He calls her “My love” starting in 1:9 and repeats this term 5x in these two chapters. Her term for him is “My beloved” which starts in 1:13 and is repeated 9x in these two chapters!

They are very comfortable expressing their love and desire for one another. It culminates in him calling her to come away with him (2:10-14).

Song of Solomon 2:10-14 (ESV)

He longs to spend time with her and enjoy the beauty of God’s creation with her. To see her face and hear her voice.

  1. It is good for spouses to express intense desire for one another

What if you’re not in the habit of doing this? What if you’ve let your love grow cold? If that is your case and you’re here this morning, I’m thankful you’re here. I hope your next question is, “How can I cultivate this type of desire?”

The answer to that question brings us to our next lesson on how we ought to use our words.

  1. Words ought to be used to bless one another

Throughout these chapters, we have observed the lovers’ creativity. They intentionally move between powerful and fragrant imagery to convey their points. Both have specific ways they describe their lover positively.

She is to him the lily among the brambles. He is to her an apple tree among the rest of the plain old forest. Her eyes are like beautiful doves. He is like a strong and nimble gazelle or young stag.

What can we learn from this? Do we need to visit botanical gardens and zoos to figure out how to talk to our spouse?! Not quite… but it would be good for you to learn to take delight in your spouse.

Do you appreciate your spouse? Do you regularly express delight and appreciation for them?

For many of us, this is an area of weakness. It is far too easy to see the things that irritate us in our relationships rather than the things we’re thankful for! The blessings of their character, conduct, presence, and, even, appearance.

When we start to take our spouse for granted, that is a dangerous path to be on. It is all too easy for our words to become more and more critical and ungrateful. We point out their faults and flaws, rather than their strengths and blessings.

The couple in SoS show us a better way. The way of building up with our words. Of delighting in our spouse. Of cultivating thankfulness for them.

Song of Solomon 2:3-5 (ESV)

In 2:3-5, the woman expresses the safety and nourishment that she finds in her husband’s presence. She not only views him as above the rest, she says it is with great delight that she spends time with him, and enjoys his fruit (kisses/intimacy). She is thankful for his protection and invites him to keep pursuing her, for she is intoxicated with his love.

The start to intimacy begins in your own thinking/desires. Are you cultivating a right view of your spouse? Are you stoking the flames of desire for them? Are you giving expression to these right views and desires in your speech towards them?

I love how the couple in SoS repeatedly express that their lover is uniquely better than the rest. You heard it today that she is the lily among the brambles, and he is the apple tree among the forest. It will come up again in other forms in the weeks ahead. Each of them has their spouse as their standard of beauty/handsomeness. For me, Micaela Lees is the standard of beauty. No one else compares to her. For you, it will be your spouse. That starts with an internal way of thinking and desiring, but it needs to pour out into our speech towards our loved one.

  1. It is good for spouses to express intense desire for one another
  2. Words ought to be used to bless one another

These are both positive lessons from these chapters.  But now we must turn our attention to two negative lessons to learn as well. By negative, I do not mean bad lessons, but rather lessons that are warning us about dangers to avoid. The first is found in 2:7:

Song of Solomon 2:7 (ESV)

  7     I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

by the gazelles or the does of the field,

        that you not stir up or awaken love

until it pleases.

The lesson here is…

  1. Heed the warning about rightly aroused passions

We know as human beings that there is a real struggle to handle sexuality rightly. Because these desires are powerful, it is tempting to use them inappropriately, both inside and outside of marriage.

For example, it is inappropriate and ungodly to tempt others. In the book of Proverbs, the father warns his son against the temptations of the adulterous woman.

Proverbs 7:21–23 (ESV)

21  With much seductive speech she persuades him;

with her smooth talk she compels him.

22  All at once he follows her,

as an ox goes to the slaughter,

or as a stag is caught fast

23  till an arrow pierces its liver;

as a bird rushes into a snare;

he does not know that it will cost him his life.

Or, as Paul warns the Corinthians…

1 Corinthians 6:15 (ESV)

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never!

These are just two of many scenarios that could occur inside or outside of marriage. The case the Bible makes for biblical sexuality is that the only permissible place to express it is within the confines of monogamous marriage between one man and one woman!

This means that you need to beware the ways you interact with others. Flirting is a dangerous game to play. This applies whether you’re a teenager or an adult! What is your aim? To get a reaction from the person you’re flirting with! You want their attention, perhaps their desire… You are arousing passions that you cannot righteously fulfill! That is unwise and quickly turns to sin.

Christian men and women need to protect one another! This is an area where so many relationships go astray. You play the game of “how close to the line can we get” rather than simply staying as far away from the line of sin as possible!

Our world’s philosophy on sex is that you should “try before you buy.” Perhaps you’ve heard that within the church too. I sure hope not, but it’s sadly the reality in many places. This is patently unbiblical, as the only right place to awaken these desires is within marriage. Not only will it not provide the compatibility and joy that it promises, it will rob you of joy and leave you and your partners broken.

We must be careful to heed the warnings of Scripture. God designed us, and he knows what is best for us. He knows what will lead to a fruitful, joy-filled marriage. So, trust his wisdom and ways over the world’s wisdom and ways.

Now. We need to address a difficult reality. There are many marriages that are not the garden paradise of Genesis 2 or SoS. With conflict and divorce at such high rates, the odds are that there are many marriages in the room today that are struggling in some form or fashion. This is a difficult reality of our sin-cursed world.

Perhaps you started strong. You handled your dating and engagement well. You had pre-marital counseling and sought to start your marriage off on the right foot of trusting God. But somewhere along the way, compromises began to occur. Communication began to fall apart. Conflicts were not being resolved quickly or at all. Silence replaced the conversation around the dinner table. Intimacy became a thing of the distant past.

For others, maybe you began your marriage without Christian influences or guidance. Perhaps you began your physical relationship long before your wedding day and the luster has worn off over the years. Maybe you’ve never had someone to pour into your life to help you overcome sinful patterns.

Or, perhaps, you are single. Single with a history of bad relationships or single with no relationships, but desirous of one. It can be tempting as a single to take matters into your own hands. “I’m going to find the ONE.” This can be a dangerous pursuit, if you’re not trusting the Lord in your journey.

The hope for all these scenarios is Jesus. No matter what your circumstances may be, no matter how broken and beyond repair/hope they may seem to you, no matter what baggage you have in your past/present, Jesus is your hope. He is the Redeemer. He takes our sin and brokenness and, by faith, replaces it with new life. By the power of His redeeming love, he can change you or your spouse and lead you to a place of unity again. And, even if your spouse doesn’t want to come along for that journey, Jesus can bear your burdens and provide you with a satisfaction that endures in the face of great trial. This is true whether you’re married or single.

Your hope cannot be in your marriage being restored or your spouse changing or your relational status moving from single to married. These things are not meant to bear the weight of your hopes. As one author puts it, these are “stairs of sand” that will collapse beneath the weight of your expectations. Only the One, True God can bear the weight of your hopes and expectations. Only He can sustain you when life feels like it is falling apart around you. Jesus must be your hope, not only when things go your way, but even when they don’t. If your spouse never changes, will you trust and hope in Christ? Will you believe that he is doing a good work in your life through it? Will you continue to obey his call for you to be a godly, loving spouse or single person? Do not make your faith and obedience to the Lord conditional on him giving you what you want. That’s not Christianity. That’s idolatry.

God addresses the possibility of sin in marriage in Song of Solomon.

Song of Solomon 2:15 (ESV)

15     Catch the foxes for us,

the little foxes

        that spoil the vineyards,

for our vineyards are in blossom.”

As we said last week, foxes love to dig and scavenge for their food. They will destroy a vineyard quickly without regard for its beauty. The point being – there are many threats to a marriage that must be caught and rooted out before they destroy the beauty of it. So, let’s learn our final lesson for today…

  1. Beware the little foxes that will wreck your marriage

What are examples of these little foxes? We certainly cannot exhaust them all, but here are some that come to mind.

  • Lust – “do not covet your neighbor’s wife” and you “shall not commit adultery” are part of the big 10 for a reason… Unchecked desire for someone other than your spouse will wreck your marriage. You need to flee from this temptation and cultivate an intense desire for your spouse!
  • Greed – Ephesians 5:3 has always been an important verse about biblical sexuality, but it is easy to overlook the last word here… “covetousness” or “greediness”…

Ephesians 5:3 (ESV)

3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

A constant desire for “more” or a discontentment with what you have is dangerous and will wreck your marriage. It could be a desire for more $$$ or more possessions that leads you to become married to your work rather than your spouse. It could be a desire for more “me-time” for your hobbies that leads you to distance yourself from your spouse. There are many ways greed can get in the way of a healthy marriage.

  • Selfishness – typically marriage is the great revealer of selfishness in our lives. As singles, we’re so used to doing things how we want, when we want that it is a real stretch to get married and have to die to self to serve our spouse. If we aren’t intentional to die to self beginning on day 1, it only gets harder to do it on day 2, 10, 100, 365… You get the point. Selfishness is the bent of our sinful hearts, and we must constantly be on-guard against it. It comes far too easily to us to think about “me” and not about “them.” But Christ’s example for us is one of laying down his life for the good of his bride, the church. He models sacrificial service for us. We are called to selflessness, not selfishness.
  • Pride – Pride is closely related to all of these, as it is often called the root of all sin. Pride is the exaltation of self. It is putting ourselves in God’s position and acting as if everything else should cater to us. In a marriage, pride looks like never being willing to admit your fault in a problem. It sounds like constantly blaming your spouse for things. It leads you to put your own priorities first, as if they are the most important. It’s unwilling to be corrected or shown a better way.
  • Sinfully used emotions – emotions are God-given and not inherently bad. However, it is far too easy to use them for sinful purposes. To control or manipulate situations rather than using the emotion for its God-given purpose. So anger, instead of being a strong rush of energy to solve a problem becomes twisted into a way to get your way or shut everyone up. Sadness, instead of being an appropriate response to sin and suffering, becomes a manipulative technique to get others to feel sorry for you and to forget the original issue that was brought up.

These are a quick survey of little foxes that could wreck a marriage. There are many other breeds of foxes that may come up in future sermons. For now, we’ll have to stop there. Here’s where I want to land this plane today…

When you see little foxes in your relationships, ask others for help in catching them! A healthy marriage/relationship is a community effort. The verb in 2:15 – “catch” – is plural. Either the man or woman or both are asking others for help! They recognize their need for help. It would be wise for us to learn from their example.

Are you vulnerable with others to the point that they would know you need help in your relationships? Small group is a great place to practice this type of community. But you have to choose to let others in. Invite them to catch the little foxes with you! This is so incredibly helpful in cultivating a healthy marriage. *Pause*

Now, I said last week that I was going to seek to give you practical homework/growth work during this series. And I want to be a man of my word! I know you want that too, right?! So here we go, get your pens/paper ready… Here’s a few ways you can be applying what we’re learning today:

Growth Work

  • Evaluate your part of any marital problems
    • In the words of Jesus in Matthew 7, take the log out of your own eye first.
    • Confess and ask forgiveness if you find things that need addressed.
      • If you’re not sure how to do that, reach out! We’re happy to help!
    • Keep a daily journal of how you used your words
      • Are you using your words to build up or tear down?
      • Review Ephesians 4:29 as a guideline for godly speech
    • Make a list of 20 things you’re thankful for about your spouse
      • Begin to share it with them throughout the week

I hope that we will all take these lessons seriously and choose to invest in our relationships. There are truths to apply whether you’re single or married.

Let’s pray.