The Goodness of Biblical Sexuality – Part 3 • 08.21.22

Nick Lees - August 23, 2022

The Goodness of Biblical Sexuality III
Song of Solomon 5-6

Learning to handle sexuality biblically

Realize tensions will arise
Protect your marriage covenant

Good morning church family! What a privilege to partner with Peter & Chelsea as they pursue full-time ministry. Thank you for your generous giving that

We’re passing the halfway point of Song of Solomon today! I hope this study has been beneficial in your life. I’ve heard from some of you that you’re putting the lessons into effect in your marriage and it has been stretching yet good. If you have any feedback or a testimony you’d like to share, I always welcome that, so please feel free to email me or speak with me after the service. Our desire at Harvest is to preach the whole counsel of God’s Word, which includes what God says about biblical sexuality.

Speaking of that, last week we ended with some growth work. How did that go for you?

Growth Work

Plan a conversation with your spouse
- Discuss openly and honestly the state of your marriage
- Be willing to take the log out of your own eye first, confessing ways you’ve fallen short and desire to change
- Put together a plan for practical next steps and ask them how you can serve them (take notes even!!)
Reach out to your small group leader, pastor, or trusted mentor for help
- If you have hurdles you need to overcome, let others come alongside you
- If you have questions, don’t be afraid to ask them
Look for one way per day to serve your spouse in words or deed

Did you make it a priority to cultivate this type of communication and intentional, actional love this week? I sure hope so. We’re not hear on Sundays to simply gain head knowledge, but to allow God’s Word to transform our hearts and lives.

With that in mind, let’s get into the Word as we dig into SoS 5-6.

Ushers + Bibles (pg 324 – Blue Bibles; pg 667 – Black Bibles)

Like the previous weeks, we’ll read our entire text for today, pausing for comments on it. Then we’ll take time to dig into practical takeaways from it.

Now, when we left off last week, we had heard the woman inviting the man to pursue her and partake of the fruit of her garden. That’s where the first verse of chapter 5 picks up this week.

Song of Solomon 5:1-6:13

This is our first instance of relational tension in the couple! It really does flesh out the relationship realistically though. Even though this is poetry and the “song of songs” – meaning the best song about sexuality/marriage/romance – it is still giving us a realistic view of things. Relationships are not without communication breakdowns and tensions! Now, thankfully, as the ideal view of biblical sexuality and marriage, it shows the couple moving forward positively and quickly. Tension doesn’t define their relationship; it is the exception not the norm. Let’s dig into the text further as we continue…

Learning to handle sexuality biblically

Our first lesson flows from the observations of 5:2-8…

Realize tensions will arise

In this part of the song, the woman is again lying in bed. She is asleep but in a dreamlike state. We don’t know for sure if what she recounts in the following verses is in the dream or awakening her from it, but it really doesn’t matter for our interpretation. The whole song is poetic and not necessarily describing literal events. We need to ask, what is being communicated in this part of the song?

What we observe is that there are differing sets of desires in this interaction. The husband has come home while the wife is still sleeping. He has been out and about and is wide awake and desires to be intimate with her. I love the imagery of the long, wavy locks of his hair (that we heard about in 5:11) wet with the dew. I immediately thought of Fabio from the 90s. Long flowing hair, rippling muscles, the image of masculinity of that time.

But when he arrives, he woefully finds out that she is not quite in the mood. Verse 3 recounts for us some tension in the interaction. She is in bed and without clothes (I’m not quite sure why she thought that was a hindrance…) and didn’t want to put them back on. She had washed her feet and didn’t want to get them dirty again. What a mood-killer!

But the man doesn’t let the initial tension sway him. He begins to enter and suddenly the woman’s desires rise within her. Literally, her feelings were aroused for him. There is a heightening of desire here. This drives her to get out of bed to invite him in. The language is conveying the intensity of her desire for him, but when she opens, he is gone! And she is devastated – her “soul failed” her at his absence.

Bummer! Miscommunication, conflicting desires, even the different timing of arousal for each party has brought tension into their relationship.

Is this not a realistic portrayal of a marriage? If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know that desires will not always match at the same time or to the same intensity. Then there is always the potential of the “little fox” of selfishness creeping in to spoil a marriage too. “I want what I want, when I want it!” or “I don’t want that, not right now!” We’ve spoken about the tendency for fixating on self and what we can get rather than give in intimacy over the past couple of weeks.

This probably goes without saying, but when you put two sinners under the same roof and into close relationship with one another, guess what happens?! They inevitably sin against one another. It is just part of the territory of living in a broken, sin-cursed world… even when both you and your spouse have been redeemed by faith in Jesus Christ.

When I am doing pre-marital counseling with couples, I like to remind them that there is no such thing as a perfect, sinless marriage. That is a fantasy. None of us is perfect or sinless, except Jesus. And you aren’t him and neither is your spouse! So, sin and conflict are inevitable in relationships.

However, as Christians, we have the provision, through Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection to have an answer for sin – forgiveness. This is a distinctly Christian resource that we can bring to bear on our relational conflict. Because Christ has forgiven me of so much, I can forgive others, including my spouse, of whatever they’ve done against me. After all, their sin is far less egregious than my sin against my Holy God! This is a summary of the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35. If you’ve not studied that recently, I would highly recommend it. It is a great passage to meditate on if you struggle to forgive others.

If you’ve never developed a good habit of resolving sin/conflict in your relationship, you need to spend time on this. Unresolved sin/conflict will kill your marriage. You cannot sweep it under the rug and try to move on… pretending that it never happened. Eventually that rug is going to have a big MOUND in the middle of it from all your unresolved sin that you both have to walk around. It’s the elephant in the room at that point and I can guarantee your marriage will have grown cold and distant.

A godly marriage is not a marriage where conflict never happens, but rather when conflict does happen, you handle it in a biblical way. Here’s the process given to us by God – confess sin, ask and grant forgiveness, and then turn away from that sin (repentance). This beautiful process is what God has made possible through the death of His Son on the Cross. If you have been forgiven of your sins by Jesus Christ, you can be forgiving!

It’s possible that you’re here today and you’ve never seen this modeled well. Perhaps your parents did not practice this in their marriage. Maybe you’ve never practiced it in yours. I hope today will be a fresh start for you as you obey God on this matter. Let’s walk through an example of this process.

Confess sin – Agree with God on it. Be specific so both parties are in agreement on it.
- “The way I spoke to you in anger was sinful and not pleasing to God.”
Ask forgiveness – Not the same as, “I’m sorry!” Use the language God gives us in Scripture. “Will you please forgive me?” This is the start of an interaction between you and your spouse. You’ve now invited them to participate in this beautiful reconciliation process. The ball is now in their court.
Grant forgiveness – Spouse, you’ve got a decision to make! Will you forgive as you’ve been forgiven in Christ?! This is an important moment. Here’s another key verse to consider.

Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)

³²Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

As you grant forgiveness, you are choosing to endure the sin that was committed against you rather than using it as a weapon against them. This is hard, but when you look to your Savior and remember that he endured the wrath of God for you, you can choose to do it. There is a lot more that could be said about forgiveness, but that is not the primary purpose of this sermon, so let’s move to the last piece of this…

Repent – The offender needs to turn from their sin. To go in the direction of pleasing Christ. If you used your speech to tear down, then turn from that and use it to build up. If you sinned in anger, then turn from that and use your energy to promote peace and unity.

This process is only available to Christians through faith in Christ. If you’re here this morning and you’re not trusting in Jesus Christ for salvation, I’m not sure how you have hope for your relational conflict. I would encourage you to investigate the teachings and Gospel of Jesus to find the hope that you need for your relationship.

For those who follow Christ, we can praise God for his provision through Jesus! It is because he died for the forgiveness of our sins that we are able to forgive others and have relational unity and peace.

Now, we don’t see this couple going through some sort of reconciliation process like I just described. The song is not a narrative, nor is it necessarily a specific historical event, it’s poetic love songs. We’re studying them and then considering how we can apply them to our lives today.

What we have seen is that relational tensions can arise for a variety of reasons. It is good for us to evaluate our part of the problem and be ready to resolve it biblically and with humility. If you’ve been here for all 4 weeks of this series, you’ll notice that is a consistent theme/refrain – humility, admitting your part of the problem, taking the log out of your own eye. That is key teaching from Scripture for living in relationships as a godly man or woman. You can see how relational conflict would stand at direct odds with unity in the marriage bed! You must resolve conflict/sin to have harmony in marriage. And, if you don’t, it will reveal itself in your intimacy (or lack thereof).

Speaking of intimacy… When it comes to the marriage relationship and the differences between men and women in the realm of intimacy, it is worth noting that there are usually differences between the sexes. It is characteristic of men to be able to be ready for intimacy at the drop of a hat. Now that’s not true for all men, but it is by and large the norm for men. Think of men like a light switch – they can go from off to on quickly. However, for women, typically the process is more like a crockpot. Rather than going from off to on quickly, there is a warming up period to bring them to temperature. Again, this is not true for all women, but it often takes time for a woman to desire intimacy. They often value quality time together, kind and loving speech/touch, etc., to help them feel close and desire sex.

If these generalizations are largely accurate for the sexes, you can see how there would be potential for conflict in the marriage bed. Thankfully, as we see in Scripture, including the SoS, conflict doesn’t have to define our relationship! God has provided a better way, that of selfless pursuit of the other. Using our words and actions to bless our spouse!

Husbands, you must be a learner of YOUR wife. You have the privilege of learning how to serve her. You need to study your wife and understand what will bless her in this area. It is possible that you will need to give her advance notice of your desire to pursue her. You could prepare her with love notes or acts of kindness or removing stressors from her life. Maybe your wife wants to sit down and have a good conversation, so she feels close to you. Maybe she literally wants to snuggle on the couch for a while and just enjoy one another’s presence. Or perhaps there is conflict to resolve… Those are the kind of things you need to know! Are you a learner of your wife? And not for your sake, but for her sake?! As we mentioned last week, serving your spouse means that you’re ok with whatever outcome they desire. It may not go the way you want, and that’s OK! How you respond to your spouses’ desires will reveal whether you’re being selfish or selfless in this area.

Likewise, wives, you must be a learner of YOUR husband. You also have the privilege of serving him. It is entirely possible that your man may want the same kind of build-up and treatment that you desire. But it may also be possible that those things are not necessary for him, and he just wants to know that you desire him. These are the kinds of things you need to know! Are you a learner of your husband? And not for your sake, but for his sake?!

The couple in SoS, even in their tension of 5:2-8, still drip with desire for one another. There isn’t an absence of love or desire here. Just a momentary interruption of it due to some tensions or competing desires. The woman tells the other women “If you find my beloved, tell him I am sick with love.” She wants him to know she does desire him and wants to be with him!

Her words lead the ladies of the town to ask, “what makes your man so special? Why should we do what you ask of us?” To which she responds with specific compliments and praises of him, as well as affirming that he is the only one for her. This response, combined with their mutual desire for one another expressed throughout chapter six, reveals our second primary lesson from today’s text:

Protect your marriage covenant

Whereas 5:2-8 reveal some tensions in the marriage relationship, the rest of chapters 5-6 reveal that the couple actively resumes their pursuit of one another. They do not stand idly by and watch the little foxes of sin wreck their marriage. They get to work protecting their marriage covenant.

Let me point you to some specific things we observe them doing to protect their marriage. These are not new things for us in our study of SoS. But they are lessons we need to hear again!

View your spouse as your standard of beauty/handsomeness

After being asked by the ladies why they should bother helping her find him and tell him about her love for him, she responds by saying, “My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among 10,000.” Meaning there is no one like him! In her eyes, he is the ONE. He is her FABIO. No other man measures up. He is her standard of handsomeness.

She’s not alone in her view. We’ve heard it from the man earlier in the song, but we hear it again in 5:2 and 6:8-10. Both places he calls her “my perfect one” and in 6:8-10 he states that she “is the only one” in comparison to the 60 queens and 80 concubines and virgins without number. He is saying there is no one like her! In his eyes, she is the ONE. No other woman measures up. She is his standard of beauty.

This is a challenging way to think about our spouse. We are raised in a culture of comparison. Every magazine cover invites you to compare your beloved to whomever the world says is the sexiest man or woman of the month/year. They train everyone that comparison in the opposite direction is normal! “Oh, your beloved isn’t as handsome as Chris Hemsworth or as beautiful as Gal Gadot.” That’s the opposite of what God says. Ladies, Chris Hemsworth has nothing on your man! Gentlemen, Gal Gadot isn’t even a close second to your wife!

This is so counter-cultural and rubs against our flesh/inherent selfishness. But it’s a battle worth waging. We must learn to view our spouse as our standard. This will go a long way in protecting our marriage covenant.

Here are some ways we see them doing this:

Remember specific things you appreciate about your spouse

That’s exactly what the woman is doing in 5:10-16 and the man does in 6:4-7. She visually walks down his body in appreciation of all he is. Ladies, your man’s six-pack may still be in the cooler, but that doesn’t mean you can’t cultivate appreciation for him! How you view him is your choice! For the woman of SoS, she has nothing but positive things to say about her man. She’s not picking apart his faults and failures, she is choosing to focus on the things she appreciates. And she’s not bashful about it. You can tell she’s given thought to this, and she clearly desires her man.

As for the man, he’s also busy delighting in his wife. He compares her to the beauty of the important cities of Israel and Judah. He too chooses to view her as the only one to him. It doesn’t matter how many other beautiful women there might be, she’s the only one for him. “My dove, my perfect one, is the only one…” In fact, in his mind, the other ladies praise his wife! They agree that she shines like the sun and is as beautiful as the moon. Men, your wife may not look the same as when you met her. The trials of life and raising children may have taken their toll on her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t grow ever deeper in your love and appreciation for her! How you view her is your choice! Don’t compare her to the fake standard of beauty promoted by our superficial society. Esteem her highly and open your mouth and praise specific things you appreciate about her.

In the midst of doing that, don’t miss the valuable lesson of 5:16b.

Cultivate a closeness/friendship with your spouse

We’ve spoken previously about the endearing names they have for one another. She calls him “my beloved” and he calls her “my love”. These are more than titles. They are indicative of the closeness this couple has with one another. They enjoy each other. Now we hear the woman call him “my friend” or “my companion”.

Is that the type of relationship you have with your spouse? Would you call one another your close friend or companion?

There is a real danger in taking your spouse for granted. It is possible, over the years, to become roommates rather than lovers/friends. This often happens when a couple has children and makes their relationship all about the kids. That’s called a child-centered home and it’s not healthy for you or them. They need to see mom & dad modeling a godly relationship! You’ve got to keep your spouse as the primary relationship! Your kids will grow up and be gone one day… and guess who will still be there with you? Your spouse! It can also happen when one or both makes their career or even a hobby their primary passion. Don’t let things replace your primary desire for your spouse! Cultivate a closeness/friendship with your spouse over the years.

It is good to enjoy one another and to enjoy doing things together! The longer Micaela and I have been married, the more we have mutual delights. Not only because we have discovered things we enjoy together – like finding the yummiest restaurants in town or camping with our family – but also because we have embraced things the other likes – like board games or a good TV series or discussing theology.

What do you enjoy doing together with your spouse? It may be hard to answer this if you’re not regularly protecting time with one another. A common mistake I see married couples make is that they fail to protect time together as a husband and wife. And I’m not just talking about time for intimacy, although that is part of it. I mean time to cultivate a real relationship. The kind you first established when you were dating and pursuing one another for marriage. Where you get together to enjoy some yummy food, or a fun activity, or just some intentional conversation. Perhaps you go for a walk together and enjoy the beauty of a summer night’s sunset. Maybe you’re an active couple who likes to get a workout in together to start your day. Or you carve out time to talk about what God has been teaching you in the Word over a cup of coffee.

The busier life gets, the easier it is to make excuses for not spending time together with your spouse. Believe me, I know. But it is possible to get childcare and go out with your honey. Something that I’ve seen become incredibly effective in our church is date night swaps. Meaning, pick another couple in the church to swap watching kiddos so you can take turns going out with your spouse. I first heard about this from a couple in our small group and we’ve since implemented it with another family in the church. Since then, I’ve told others about it and I know of a handful of families that are utilizing this now, for the benefit of their marriages! Whether you do that or you sit in the living room and play cards/board games or just sit down to hang out together and talk, I would encourage you to protect your marriage by protecting and planning for time together as husband and wife.

We all know different stages of life have different companions. School was one season. Single life was another. Married life ought to be companionship with your spouse above all else. Did you notice in 6:13 that the crowd is calling out to her to return? That is because she is departing to be with her spouse. She is prioritizing her primary relationship. Would your spouse know that they are your primary relationship by the way you treat them? If not, what needs to change?

The final way to protect your marriage covenant that I want to draw your attention to today is:

Be intimate regularly

There is no reason to be ashamed of the fact that a happily married couple has sex on a regular basis. It has been talked about unashamedly throughout the SoS. We see it implied all throughout chapters 5 and 6. Many commentators believe the way the poetry is written in 5:2-8 has double entendres throughout it, meant to indicate that the couple was arousing one another. Then in 6:2-3, the woman says the man is visiting his garden to graze and gather lilies. This is often indicative of intimacy in this poem. Again in 6:11-12 the woman goes to the garden/orchard. They are seen going away together frequently and the implication is clear – they are pursuing one another in intimacy! This fits well with the teachings of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 that we studied a couple of weeks ago. Biblical sexuality is not ashamed of pursuing your spouse for their good to give them pleasure. If you’re a married Christian, this should be your aim too. Seek to satisfy your spouse. And allow them to satisfy you.

These are just a few of the ways we can protect our marriage covenant, as demonstrated throughout the SoS. Before we close in prayer, I want to end our time with another set of practical “growth work” assignments for this week. I hope these have been helpful for you.

Growth Work

Resolve tensions by handling conflict biblically
- If you have outstanding conflict, deal with it tonight.
- If you have conflict this week, come back to the process we discussed.
- If you need help, reach out!
Put effort into viewing your spouse as your standard
- Review your list of 20 thankfuls at least twice
- Add 10 more to the list this week and begin to share them
Identify one way this week to cultivate closeness to your spouse
- And do it!
Schedule intentional time together

Let’s pray.