The Goodness of Biblical Sexuality – Part 2 • 08.14.22
Nick Lees   -   August 16, 2022

The Goodness of Biblical Sexuality II
Song of Solomon 3-4

Learning to handle sexuality biblically

  1. Celebrate marriage and the wedding day
  2. Cultivate a marriage filled with initiatory longing
  3. Intentionally appreciate and compliment your spouse
  4. Invite pursuit from your spouse

This is the 3rd week in our study of SoS and I promised you that we’d seek to make it practical at the end of each week. What that meant last week is that I gave us some “growth work” to apply throughout the week.

Can I ask you; how did your growth work go this past week?

Growth Work

  • Evaluate your part of any marital problems
    • In the words of Jesus in Matthew 7, take the log out of your own eye first.
    • Confess and ask forgiveness if you find things that need addressed.
      • If you’re not sure how to do that, reach out! We’re happy to help!
    • Keep a daily journal of how you used your words
      • Are you using your words to build up or tear down?
      • Review Ephesians 4:29 as a guideline for godly speech
    • Make a list of 20 things you’re thankful for about your spouse
      • Begin to share it with them throughout the week

If you’re not married, did you still seek to apply the first two to other relationships?

I know it took me longer than it should have to get my list of 20 things done! If you struggled to get going, then let’s make it our mutual aim to get after it quickly this week.

Well, today, we’re jumping back into SoS chapters 3-4. Go ahead and get your Bibles and turn there now.

Ushers + Bibles (Page 324 – Blue Bibles; Page ____ – Black Bibles)

As we get into the text today, I want to point out that there has been a startling lack of selfishness in the SoS. What I mean by that is that neither the man nor the woman appears to be fixated on their own benefits or gain. Rather they are focused on building up or serving the other. Their desire is for the other. That’s an important lesson for all of us. Take heed of this for your own marriage and how you interpret and apply this text. Please tell me you’re not here this morning to have your spouse get a good “talking to”. “I can’t wait for them to hear how much they’re failing and need to grow in these areas!” If you’re thinking that way about SoS, you’ve missed the point.

It would be a misuse of this text to twist it to manipulate or shame your spouse into doing what you want or to tell them that they need to change. This is an opportunity for each of you to hear from God’s Word on how to handle sexuality biblically. Everyone here ought to be seeking to take the log out of their own eye first and trusting God to change their spouse. Now I’m sure none of YOU were mishandling it that way, but I thought I’d mention it just in case… 😊

Let’s read the text again and I’ll make some comments as we go, just like last week. Then we’ll dig into the lessons we can take away from the text.

Song of Solomon 3:1-4:16

Now let’s turn our attention to the lessons we can learn from this exchange between the lovers. We’re still emphasizing…

Learning to handle sexuality biblically

Our first lesson comes from what we observe in 3:6-11 where the author draws attention to Solomon arriving for his wedding day in great pomp and circumstance. Here’s the lesson…

  1. Celebrate marriage and the wedding day

Now, I want to be careful to explain that this is not what the text is explicitly teaching. Remember, SoS is poetry, not didactic literature which gives clear commands and applications. This lesson of celebrating marriage and the wedding day comes from observing why this passage was included in the book and considering how it might apply to our day.

What we’ve seen in SoS is that both the wedding day and the marriage thereafter are exciting and worthy of celebration! Even King Solomon got excited for his wedding day (although we have no idea which one…) He wasn’t exactly the paragon of virtue when it came to biblical sexuality with his 700 wives and 300 concubines… Even still, there was great opulence for his wedding day. Columns of smoke that were perfumes of sweet fragrances (myrrh & frankincense). 60 mighty men armed and ready for battle, as his escorts/guards. How’s that for a bridal party? Don’t mess with Solomon’s groomsmen! A beautiful wooden carriage with silver and gold and purple. And the crown bestowed upon him by his mother. What a sight to behold!

In stark contrast, many in our day do not get excited about the idea of marriage. More and more people are choosing to remain unmarried and simply live together instead. Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million.

These people fail to see the point of getting married. They typically evaluate things from solely from an economic or social perspective – we can split the bills, we can save money, I’ll live with my lover, everyone else is doing it, etc., – rather than a concern of – what pleases the Lord, the One who made me?

In a grand twist of irony, research over the past several decades has revealed that cohabitation leads to a less fulfilling relationship than a committed marriage relationship! And this is primarily secular research. The Journal of Sex Research reports that a cohabiting couple’s satisfaction with their level of intimacy is much lower on average than a committed married couple. The Journal of Marriage and Family reveals that couples that live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce. The Institute for Family Research reports that unmarried cohabiting couples have higher instances of alcohol abuse, aggression, poor communication, depression, and domestic violence than couples who married without cohabitation.

This should not surprise us because cohabiting and devaluing marriage goes against God’s plan. We believe God knows best and when life is lived his way, it will produce the best outcome. And God makes no provision in his Word for cohabitation or sex outside of a committed marriage relationship. It turns out that even secular research proves that God’s ways are better!

Unfortunately, so many people, even in the church, believe the lie that something other than God’s way will satisfy. This leads to a devaluation of marriage and the wedding day. Folks are failing to think biblically about the beauty of the covenant and commitment of marriage! Which is why the SoS is so important for us. It reveals the beauty of a committed married couple pursuing one another.

It reminds us that it is good to celebrate what God says is good (marriage between one man and one woman). We should encourage young couples to anticipate their wedding day. And it is good for us to celebrate with them when that day arrives!

Just last weekend, I was privileged to celebrate with Stevin Sturtz and Peyton Ford (3 IMAGES) on their wedding day. It was a great opportunity to rejoice in the beauty of God’s plan for marriage and their commitment/covenant to one another.

As part of the ceremony, I called those assembled to remember the reality behind the ceremony. Any wedding day is not simply a celebration of the couple. It’s not just about the glitz and glamor of the bride and the groom and their venue. It goes far beyond all of that to point to an even greater reality… The reality of Christ and the church.

In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul makes this beautiful connection for us. He likens the wife’s role to that of the church.

Ephesians 5:22–24 (ESV)

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

And the husband’s role to that of Christ.

Ephesians 5:25–32 (ESV)

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Notice how Paul connects the dots between human marriage and the greater spiritual reality? V32 – “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

Every biblical human marriage is a testimony of Christ’s relationship to his bride, the church. This is the marriage that supersedes every other marriage – Christ’s marriage to the church. Perhaps it’s a subject you’ve never heard about before… Or one you’ve not given much thought. You should!

The choice of Jesus Christ to wed himself to a group of redeemed sinners like us is absolutely incredible and life-changing! He is the faithful, sacrificial servant leader for each one of us. He is seeking our holiness through the washing of the water of the Word. His plan is for us to be holy and without spot, wrinkle, or blemish. That’s absolutely, jaw-droppingly incredible!

For a sinner like Nick Lees to be forgiven and redeemed, declared holy!? To have the hope of eternity with my Savior and God!? For him to delight in me!? To go to such great lengths to rescue and redeem me that I might be his!? And he did it for each of you if you are trusting in Jesus Christ for your salvation!

How can I possibly speak of the depth of significance this has for each of us? By pointing us to what God says. Let me take you to Revelation 19 and show you the anticipation of what is to come. This passage is about the marriage supper of the Lamb.

Revelation 19:6–9 (ESV)

6 Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

        “Hallelujah!

        For the Lord our God

the Almighty reigns.

  7     Let us rejoice and exult

and give him the glory,

        for the marriage of the Lamb has come,

and his Bride has made herself ready;

  8     it was granted her to clothe herself

with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”

This recounts for us the vision of the Apostle John wherein he hears the voice of the righteous rejoicing in the exaltation of King Jesus. At Jesus’ return the plan of God to make a people for himself will be complete. The bride (the church) will be ready for her groom (Jesus Christ). There will be a great celebration for all who are a part of that wedding feast!

The wedding supper of the lamb is an image the portrays the believer’s intimate relationship and eternal fellowship with Christ. These are the realities that are hinted at throughout Scripture when it speaks about marriage. As we consider SoS in light of the entirety of Scripture, we are given a beautiful picture of marriage and the wedding day – one in which we ought to celebrate and esteem it highly – both for the commitment/covenant that the bride and groom are making to one another in a God-honoring marriage, but also because of the greater, heavenly realities it reminds us of. I hope you’re challenged to have an elevated view of marriage and weddings from here on out.

Let’s consider what this might mean for you today.

  • If you’re married
    • You have annual opportunities to celebrate your wedding day. (Your anniversary!)
      • Do you take time to celebrate? Do you ever allow it to point you to your greater spiritual reality – the wedding supper of the Lamb?
    • If you’re single and desire marriage
      • As commentator James Hamilton Jr says:

Let me encourage you to indulge in a transposition of that longing. Use the emotional energy you feel to long for the day when Christ will come and take his Bride. Stir up the longing the Bride recounts in Song 3:1–4, place the boundary of the admonition in 3:5 around that longing, trusting that in God’s good time Christ will come just as He was seen to go, and feast your imagination on the glory of that day. As great as Solomon was, and as impressive as the parade of his palanquin (carriage) would have been, we await the coming of one greater than Solomon (cf. Matt. 12:42). (James Hamilton Jr, Song of Songs: FOBC)

  • Regardless of your relational status
    • You can recalibrate your thinking about marriage + wedding ceremonies, if needed. If you’ve disdained them, confess and repent. If you’re here and you’ve chosen to cohabit with someone, confess and repent (move out and get some counseling to determine if you should get married). Learn to celebrate marriage and the wedding day for both the present and future realities it points us toward!

So…

  1. Celebrate marriage and the wedding day

And…

  1. Cultivate a marriage filled with initiatory longing

As we heard in chapters 3 and 4, both the man and the woman are pining for one another. They miss each other and desire one another.

Song of Solomon 3:1-4

In 3:1-4, the wife is lying in bed and misses her man’s presence. Her desire to be with him leads her to go out seeking after him. There is a repetition of action to indicate that her longings have driven her to take action. She initiates seeking him out. She rises and goes about the city. She engages with the watchman. She is searching high and low for “him whom my soul loves”. And when she finally finds him, she clings tightly to him. She drags him back “to her mother’s house/into the chamber of her who conceived me.” Now that sounds weird to us but remember this is poetry not always literal. This is indicating a very special place to her. The whole point here is that she is driven by her desires to initiate pursuit of her husband.

Now, last week I made a comment towards the start of the sermon that I didn’t really follow-up on, about how some of us may be surprised that the wife is the one who initiates. When I said that, I was not speaking with the intention of husbands in the room elbowing their wives saying, “See, the wife initiates!” If that was your response, men, please remember to listen to sermons for yourself, not your spouse. The same goes for you ladies.

When I made that comment, I was seeking to address a common misconception that has been perpetuated in many churches over the years, that men do all the initiating and women are only supposed to reciprocate. Whether that comes to pursuing marriage or intimacy within marriage, what we have seen this year in our study of Scripture is women who are not afraid to initiate.

Think back to the study of Ruth. She approached Boaz on the threshing floor by night. She initiated the marriage proposal in that scenario! Now, in SoS, we see the wife regularly going first in stating her desires and pursuing her spouse. All that to say, ladies, you are free to go first in pursuing your man. It is appropriate and good for you to initiate.

However, men, that does not give you the opportunity to kick your feet up and wait for her to pursue you! Oh no, the husband in SoS also desires to initiate and pursue his wife too.

In chapter 4, after a long list of specific compliments and praises for her physical beauty, he says this in verses 6-8.

Song of Solomon 4:6–8

  6     Until the day breathes

and the shadows flee,

        I will go away to the mountain of myrrh

and the hill of frankincense.

  7     You are altogether beautiful, my love;

there is no flaw in you.

  8     Come with me from Lebanon, my bride;

come with me from Lebanon.

        Depart from the peak of Amana,

from the peak of Senir and Hermon,

        from the dens of lions,

from the mountains of leopards.

He has cultivated a desire for his bride that leads him to pursue her. He goes away to the mountain of myrrh and hill of frankincense, which are not literal places but likely metaphors for her breasts. He then issues his greatest compliment in verse 7 – she is without flaw – and follows it with the invitation to come away with him.

Both husband and wife have cultivated desires for one another that leads them to initiate pursuit and intimacy with one another. The burden isn’t on one or the other, in fact it’s not a burden at all! It’s a joy and a delight that they both willingly partake in.

Do you have this kind of desire for your spouse? Do your desires lead you to initiate pursuit of them? Have you cultivated this type of marriage relationship?

If not, then SoS is giving you a beautiful example to learn from. If you’re here this morning and you’re not sure how to get to the place that SoS is pointing us, then I’d encourage you to start with some conversations with your spouse. They may be hard conversations filled with confessions of how you’ve each fallen short. But those are conversations worth having! The fruit that they will produce will be sweet indeed. Discuss what it would look like for you each to take steps of growth in these areas. And focus on yourself, not the other!

One danger for all of us on this topic of biblical sexuality is that we often approach intimacy from the perspective of what we can GET rather than what we can GIVE. God calls us to flip that around and to approach it from the perspective of what we can GIVE. This is so COUNTER-CULTURAL and goes against our inherent selfishness. And yet, it is the pattern that Christ modeled for us with his church. He gave up his life for her. Selfless sacrifice for the good of another.

If you want to cultivate a healthy, biblical marriage, then you need to be looking at it from the perspective of seeking to serve your spouse. Who better to practice this sort of humble, sacrificial service with than your spouse?! We must not skip these concepts in our marriage.

Husbands, cultivate a marriage filled with initiatory longings by getting excited to serve your spouse in intimacy, in communication, in acts of service, etc., Wives, cultivate a marriage filled with initiatory longings by getting excited to serve your spouse in intimacy, in communication, in acts of service, etc.,

Pursue one another’s good. As each party seeks to do this, I promise you that God will produce a sweetness in your relationship. Both will enjoy the other’s pursuit and God will be glorified. This is so much better than a selfish marriage with self-seeking intimacy where each party uses the other for their own gain.

I hope God’s way for marriage sounds attractive to you. But how do we get there? If we’re all brought up in a society that has taught us to think about sex and marriage selfishly, how do we learn to handle it God’s way?

Aside from sitting under the teaching of His Word like we’re doing in this series, you are going to need to be in constant communication with your spouse. You will need to become an expert in learning what serves them. This isn’t about what you think is best. It’s about sacrificing to love them.

As you pursue this path, you must realize that there are times this may mean not pursuing sex at all, but rather spending time together in some other way. Maybe they want to cuddle and watch a show instead. Maybe they want to have a nice dinner and conversation together. Even if you make it to the marriage bed, it may mean things go differently than you expected… and that’s ok. The goal of love in this area is to serve the other. Listen to what will accomplish that and then be content. If you seek to serve in this way, then you can rest knowing that you honored the Lord in your pursuit.

There’s more that could be said, but we must keep moving. If you’re interested in a further study on this particular area, I would recommend an old, but great little booklet “Biblical Principles of Sex” by Dr. Robert Smith. It’s out of print and very hard to find, but we have at least one copy in our library, and I have access to a digital copy. Feel free to ask for it.

Our third lesson from the text today is…

  1. Intentionally appreciate and compliment your spouse

This is exactly what we see the man doing in chapter 4.

Song of Solomon 4:1-15

Throughout the chapter, he goes into exquisite detail about how he enjoys her appearance, taste, touch, and smell. If you pay attention to the progression in verses 1-5, it is clear he is starting at her eyes and working his way visually down her body. And he has a specific and creative way of praising her.

Now, in our day and age, we are a little perplexed by his choice of words. Some of these don’t sound all that appealing or positive to us. But you aren’t a shepherd/shepherdess in the Ancient Near East. You are failing to appreciate the imagery of their context.

I always chuckle at these literal renditions of the SoS. Let me share a few of them with you here. (3 IMAGES) If you were to interpret these literally, the woman is more of a monster than a beauty to behold! That’s a quick lesson on why your approach to interpretation matters!

(SLIDE à 3. Intentionally appreciate and compliment your spouse)

The man is making comparisons with imagery that is indicative of good things in his day. He is saying that she is incomparably beautiful. Her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, cheeks, neck, and breasts are all lovely in his eyes. They are appealing to him. He appreciates her beauty. And he longs to be with her. Verse 6 is indicative that he wants to be with her all night long, until the morning dawns and the shadows disappear in the sun’s new light.

We could keep going in survey of all that is said in chapter 4, but I think you get the idea. He is captivated by his bride. And he is not shy in telling her about it. He devotes verse upon verse to creatively praising the things he appreciates about her.

Husbands/wives… is this the type of language you use towards one another? This was part of our growth work last week, but how easily did it come to you? Are you able to articulate specific things you appreciate about your spouse? Are you intentional to share those compliments with them on a regular basis? Or would they be shocked to hear such words from your mouth?

Biblical sexuality is not ashamed to appreciate our beloved. It takes time to soak in the details of his handsomeness or her beauty. But it also opens the mouth to share what it has observed and appreciated.

Kids, it is good for your mom and dad to smooch and tell one another things they love about one another. Parents, it is good for your kids to see you display appropriate affection and to use your words to praise one another. You’re modeling for them biblical sexuality.

Notice that SoS uses language that is sensual, but not crass/vulgar. In our day and age, mostly due to the influence of pornography, there has been an increase in the vulgarity of sensual speech. Intimate speech ought to be pure and edifying, building the other up and glorifying God in the process. If you cannot conceive of praising your spouse in this way, then a good first step would be to confess that to the Lord and ask him for help in purifying your own mind.

May we learn to enjoy our spouse’s appearance, taste, touch, and smell. May we be specific and creative in praising them. And may we be thankful for our commitment to one another alone. That is what we see in verses 12-16.

Song of Solomon 4:12-16

She is a locked garden, a locked spring/fountain. Meaning, she is for him alone, not open to the public. Consider a similar passage in Proverbs that help us arrive at the sense of the text:

Proverbs 5:16–20 (ESV)

16     Should your springs be scattered abroad,

streams of water in the streets?

17     Let them be for yourself alone,

and not for strangers with you.

18     Let your fountain be blessed,

and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

19          a lovely deer, a graceful doe.

        Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

be intoxicated always in her love.

20     Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman

and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?

Don’t take it for granted that you are for your spouse alone and they are for you alone. This is an incredible privilege. You get to enjoy the sweet fruits and fragrant aromas of one another’s gardens, just like the couple in SoS. *Pause*

There is something incredibly powerful and sweet about a long-standing, godly marriage. Like a garden that has been well-tended and kept over the years, a marriage that is handled God’s way year over year will produce abundant fruit. It will grow increasingly productive crops, as the soil PH is balanced just right, and the plants are pruned for maximum effect… So too, if you invest in your marriage, God’s way, in the avenues of communication and intimacy year over year, you will reap a bountiful harvest. Each year will be sweeter than the last. I hope every married couple here desires that kind of relationship.

Finally, as we close out chapter 4, we observe an important final lesson from verse 16.

Song of Solomon 4:16 (ESV)

16     Awake, O north wind,

and come, O south wind!

        Blow upon my garden,

let its spices flow.

        Let my beloved come to his garden,

and eat its choicest fruits.

  1. Invite pursuit from your spouse

All this talk of their desire for one another has led to the invitation to come and enjoy the garden. Enough talk… let’s be together.

Ladies, does your husband know you want his attention/pursuit? Men, does your wife know you want her attention/pursuit? Are you mutually desirous of one another? Respond to their appreciation and compliments with an invitation to come and enjoy what they like! Each of you have the incredible joy of serving one another in this way. Pursuing and inviting pursuit. *Pause*

As we transition now out of the sermon and into the Lord’s Table, I want to share a particularly relevant quote with you from Pastor Aaron Menikoff:

The Song of Songs really does point forward to Christ. As the wife longs to be with her husband (1:4; 3:1–4), so the Christian longs to be with Christ (Phil. 1:23). As the husband woos his wife with words (4:1–16; Eph. 5:26), so Christ woos us with his Word (John 10:27). As the love of a husband and wife is to be indelible (8:7) so nothing can separate us the love of Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:37–39).

For centuries the Jewish people read the Song of Songs aloud in preparation for the Passover. Why did they do this? Because in the Song of Songs they saw more than wisdom for marital living, they saw something of God’s covenantal love for his people, “For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer” (Isa. 54:5). – Aaron Menikoff (9Marks.org)

What a great reminder of the deeper significance to this text.